ka· lei· do· scope

i do i do i do i do i do i do

2010-11-18T16:02:00.003-06:00

there are few social events that i love more than weddings.

i love everything about weddings... the colors, the food, the people. most of all, i love the LOVE. i looooove love love love LOVE. i am one of those people that can go to a wedding of two people that i hardly know, and 15 minutes into the service i'm sobbing at the joy of their union. no joke. i have done it before.

i've never really thought about why i love weddings so much. well, here is a list of the possible reasons they make me giddy...
1. weddings are the perfect way to combine the personalities and styles of two people into one integrated, fluid design.
2. weddings bring people together in a really special and interesting way, once again melding the lives of two people into one. two families learn to love each other, two (or more) groups of friends get to know each other, two crowds of barefoot little kids learn to play together... ugh. so precious.
3. weddings generally have amazing food.
4. weddings combine all of my favorite modes of artistic expression: clothing, flowers, colors, food, photography, music, dancing, decor...etc...
5. weddings are the ultimate celebration of beginnings... it's like... "look what God has done... and now He's brought us together to begin something completely new and special, and His light and life is pouring out through our two lives becoming one."
6. weddings cause people to reflect on who they are and what has made them that way. parents and grandparents are honored for the legacy they pass on. siblings, cousins, and friends are appreciated for the support that they've shown.
7. weddings almost always make use of adorable children. who doesn't love seeing a cute little boy in a tiny suit? or a 4 year old girl with bouncy curls running around in a pretty dress? and they always say the best one-liners...

so in the shell of a nut, that is why i love weddings.

i don't have anything profound to add. just processing my thoughts through writing, which i don't do often enough. if you are a fellow wedding lover, gush on over to this here website... it's pretty fabulous. and it makes me want to plan weddings... or get married about 16 times...

also... blessings on the heads of Joel and Mindy, whose wedding is taking place this very weekend! :)

in the cleft of the rock

2010-09-26T22:52:00.012-05:00

disclaimer: i'm neither a Hebrew scholar nor a walking concordance. scott wegman preached a little bit about glory this morning, and he did the Hebrew translation and mentioned verse 22... i just got the privilege to hear it and ponder!
...

And the LORD said to Moses, "This very thing that you have spoken I will do, for you have found favor in my sight, and I know you by name." Moses said, "Please show me your glory." And he said, "I will make all my goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you my name 'The LORD.' And I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom I will show mercy. But," he said, "you cannot see my face, for man shall not see me and live." And the LORD said, "Behold, there is a place by me where you shall stand on the rock, and while my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft of the rock, and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will take away my hand, and you shall see my back, but my face shall not be seen." exodus 33:17-23

❂

i like that God pushed Moses into a rock. i don't know why. i just picture a tiny little man cowering in a tiny little crevasse while the infinite God of the universe unleashes his true form. that little man is probably glad to be in the crevasse. he can't even look at the glory. the Hebrew word for glory is kabod, or "heaviness." the glory of God is beautiful, abundant, and rich, but it is also heavy. we cannot experience its fullness. sometimes i feel so blessed, challenged, encouraged, convicted, responsible... that i can hardly bear it. how much more would i feel my humanness in the unadulterated presence of perfection? i would be glad for my corner of rock, so i could fall prostrate and wail like Isaiah... "woe is me for I am a man of unclean lips!"... you know what i like the most, though? in the passage from Exodus, God says "Then I will take away my hand, and you shall see my back, but my face shall not be seen." he passes by, and Moses gets to watch God's back as he goes. the little man leaps out of his rock-corner, terrified and tantalized, gazing at the heels of kabod. sounds like the beginning of the greatest chase of his life.

❂

Lord, show us Your glory. place us in the cleft of the rock and cover us with Your hand as You pass by, for the full weight of Your glory is too great to bear. and when we see Your back, let us chase after You for the rest of our days, until one day we see Your face.

silence is golden

2010-08-27T19:47:00.000-05:00

recently i came to a realization. i am one of those.

by "those" i mean one of those people who sometimes falls under the apprehension that a night spent at home is boring.

i'm uncomfortable with silence.

hence, sitting in a room without any distractions can be scary for me. i try to fill every silence with conversation. is this a personality trait of mine? or have i been culturally conditioned to hate quietness? i feel like my brain is constantly saying "must fill the silence! this silence is awkward! say something!" but must silence always be awkward? of course, there are instances where silence is extremely awkward. like elevators. but with friends, silence can be pleasant, without tension or discomfort.

i am a huge fan of period stories such as Pride and Prejudice or Cranford. the people in these stories seemed to live such rich lives that were built on moderation and restraint. relationships were strong and emotions ran deep. of course, they had plenty of forms of entertainment, such as dancing, music, and conversation. you'll notice, however, that there are evenings when an entire group of people sits in the same room, quietly working on a project, or painting a picture, or reading a book. in complete, utterly comfortable silence.

maybe this unease is just part of who i am. or maybe i have been conditioned to fear a quiet evening. either way, my goal for the next week is to sit comfortably in my own skin and enjoy the silence.

{i would like to point out that i had every intention of writing a post about the art of conversation, but silence came out instead. perhaps being comfortable with silence is the beginning of such an art.}

millions of peaches

2010-07-03T12:46:00.002-05:00

❂
this morning i discovered something beautiful: the Metro Centre Farmers Market!

i did not realize just how much fresh produce could inspire me until this day. i limited my purchase to a dozen peaches (i know it says "millions" but i'm a chronic exaggerator) for my homemade peach cream pie, but i can tell you, i wanted to just bring the whole market with me. they have fresh herbs for cooking, giant heads of cabbage, and gorgeous piles of zucchini, among baskets full of various other fruits and vegetables. visions of dishes started dancing in my head... i imagined herb roasted potatoes with fresh rosemary, grilled zucchini stuffed with goat cheese and covered in crispy breadcrumbs, and steamed cabbage and apples tossed with butter........ oh my goodness this is not good. at least, not for my waistline... :)

one thing about the farmers market, though, is that it's not just about produce. there's a sense of community that you feel when you peruse the stands. the "competitors" are cracking jokes with each other, and the guy selling sweet corn is serenading me with Johnny Cash. their crops are their livelihood, and their hearts are rooted deep in that Illinois soil. to me, nothing has sheer magnetism as much as the glory of God in nature, and farmers know how to work with nature to grow crops. it's the curse of Eden turned into an abundant harvest, and the promise of provision from our great God. the growers themselves are at the stands, presenting the fruits (and veggies) of their labor for our scrutiny. that takes confidence, and they have that by the bushel. so, braving high prices for homegrown quality, i will frequent the market and look forward to my "farmer's dozen" from Huizengas... just as long as they remember the words to "Ring of Fire"...
❂

weeds and breezes

2010-06-24T23:36:00.001-05:00

❂
knees aching. tiny needles staking claim in places on my fingers.

sun beating. heating up; sweat tracks a path along my nose.

dripping wet, gripping stems, my chin is set, my jaw is clenched.

we don't get to pull these weeds and seeds of doubt so easily.

and then,

a breeze.

thank You, Jesus.
Grace exceeds abundantly above again.

heat is lifted, and the love You are fills my head with the scent of beautiful compassion, passion, splashing on my face, a sweet release of Living Water.

God, You are my peace, my portion fair, my prize my prince my patience;

Permeating spaces i press tightly in the laces of my hands
(squeezing shaking fists, close tighter tighter tighter tighter)

now i can let go and let You go

let You go, and go and go and go and go
❂

taking action

2010-05-10T13:55:00.001-05:00

i may sound like a broken record, but outside of the Bible, no book has ever convicted me or confirmed the Spirit's direction in my life as consistently as "My Utmost For His Highest" by Oswald Chambers. case in point...

last night while i was praying, i noticed that in all of my years of following Christ, the language in my prayers has stayed the same. i say things like "show me my sin" and "Lord, change my heart" and "Lord, please work here or there or wherever." i had a thought: when do we take responsibility? when do I take responsibility? maybe this isn't a problem for any of you, but i have let myself fall into the belief that God's work is done in my life by some divine chemical reaction or magical intervention. no. this. is. a. lie.

how can our lives bring glory to God if we sit back and wait for Him to change our daily bad habits? sporadic Bible reading, lack of focus during prayer time, even just simple things like being late or wasting time. please do not misunderstand me, i believe the Spirit works regardless of what humans do to escape it. but as a repentant sinner, what have I done to ensure that my personal vessel is the instrument that God intended it to be? how many times have i left a mess somewhere for someone else to clean up? what are those strongholds that can be broken down by me?

obviously my prayer had gotten a little distracted by that point, so i returned to my journal. having meditated on these thoughts, i then prayed something that i don't think i have ever really prayed before. i suppose it wasn't exactly praying so much as it was declaring, or promising. "Lord, i do away with this attitude. i take responsibility for my inaction and i vow to be a true disciple, filled with praise and holy discipline." He will show me where i don't measure up, but it is up to me to follow through, and the Spirit will give me the fuel and steam to make it happen.

and then this morning i read the may 10th entry from Oswald, and it was like the Spirit was saying "yep, that is exactly right! here look at this Bible verse and see how this so perfectly coincides with your revelation last night. you are not the only one who deals with this, and you are going to do it right." i truly believe that the Spirit has miraculously worked in me through this book. here is the link, but if you want to read the specific article from today, make sure you go to the post for May 10th. it's called "take the initiative."

i could go on for a while, but i need more discipline in my life when it comes to time management. so i will finish with this: seriously take a look at your lifestyle, attitude, habits. what can you do to fix it?

praise God, who never fails and whose unmatched grace is sufficient, despite our inaction.

crucified with Christ?

2010-04-11T13:08:00.000-05:00

My Utmost for His Highest, April 10...

Complete and Effective Crucifixion
. . . our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin —Romans 6:6

Co-Crucifixion. Have you made the following decision about sin— that it must be completely killed in you? It takes a long time to come to the point of making this complete and effective decision about sin. It is, however, the greatest moment in your life once you decide that sin must die in you-not simply be restrained, suppressed, or counteracted, but crucified— just as Jesus Christ died for the sin of the world. No one can bring anyone else to this decision. We may be mentally and spiritually convinced, but what we need to do is actually make the decision that Paul urged us to do in this passage.

Pull yourself up, take some time alone with God, and make this important decision, saying, “Lord, identify me with Your death until I know that sin is dead in me.” Make the moral decision that sin in you must be put to death.
This was not some divine future expectation on the part of Paul, but was a very radical and definite experience in his life. Are you prepared to let the Spirit of God search you until you know what the level and nature of sin is in your life— to see the very things that struggle against God’s Spirit in you? If so, will you then agree with God’s verdict on the nature of sin— that it should be identified with the death of Jesus? You cannot “reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin” ( Romans 6:11 ) unless you have radically dealt with the issue of your will before God.
Have you entered into the glorious privilege of being crucified with Christ, until all that remains in your flesh and blood is His life? “I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me . . .” ( Galatians 2:20 ).

unexpected treasure

2010-03-26T17:18:00.001-05:00

one of my favorite hobbies is thrift-shopping. some people can't stand digging through another person's "junk," but i find it both relaxing and exhilirating. i get a thrill out of finding the beauty in something that looks old or unfashionable at first glance. when i have my own house, i want to fill it with things that have a history. a lot of my favorite things have been passed to me by my grandma, great-aunts, and my great-uncle, all of whom were quite snazzy back in the day. usually, these things have just been sitting around the house until one day i come across them unexpectedly. and yesterday was one of those magical days...

i was at my parents' house yesterday afternoon when i decided to break out my mom's old (not-so-great) guitar and play a while. i wandered downstairs and dug through a few things until i found what i thought was her guitar. however, i was very confused when i saw two guitar cases instead of one. i opened the first one expecting to see the dusty Alvarez, but lo and behold there was a beautiful vintage Yamaha inside! now, i didn't want to get too excited. you never know how old instruments are going to sound. i carried it carefully up the stairs to tune, warily eyeing the old-looking strings. well it sounded ok as i tuned, but then i played the first, gorgeous G chord...and if i wasn't in love before, i immediately fell head-over-heels. i like the sound even better than the newer Martin i have right now. am i crazy?! i basically made a decision to sell my current guitar and use this one forever and ever. it is LOVELY! and here is a picture...not my picture, but she looks just like it.

stella? or billie?

it turns out that it belonged to my great-uncle Art. what a guy! he definitely purchased a quality instrument :) but as for me keeping it and playing it forever and ever, i am going to need some patience...since it is so gorgeous and lovely, my mom wants it to stay home. my hopes are still high that maybe one day she will be mine!

be here!

2010-03-25T02:20:00.008-05:00

hot on the heels of my spring break-up, i am finding that with the right attitude, school can still be enjoyable...especially when the weather is so beautiful! when you are surrounded by discontent college students who always want to be somewhere else doing something else, it's easy to adopt that gotta-get-out mindset. but who really wants to live like that? "whatever may be your task, work at it heartily (from the soul), as [something done] for the Lord and not for men." colossians 3:23 (amplified bible)... i would also like to quote steve (my favorite teacher who you will hear me rave about shortly) and say, "BE HERE." if you are somewhere, anywhere, BE there. don't just exist. EXIST. deep, huh? :)

reasons this week has been pretty amazing:
shakespeare rehearsal: twelfth night has completely rocked every single day. i am so thankful to be part of this experience and i cannot describe how amazing it is to work with such a devoted director. steve snyder is most definitely one of the best men i know. tangent about why steve is so great: he reflects Jesus to his students by action and (when necessary) word, he is hopelessly and unashamedly in love with his wife and kids, and he always encourages us to make bold choices and fail gloriously. yay steve :) but anyways, working on this show is going to be one of the highlights of my college time. everyone is bringing their best to the table, and i can't wait to get it on its feet!

rooftops and sunshine: did i mention the beautiful weather?! after a good dose of pushing and pulling on our dirty, dusty layers of window (inner window, screen, outer window), hannah and i finally forced open a gateway to springtime wonderfulness...the window to our rooftop! monday we were on the roof a good 2 hours doing our homework and munching on cereal while basking in the sun.

what's in ze box?

basking :)

then yesterday, during our own roof-date, sarah and i met a very special little roof-dwelling creature (and by met i mean made up)... the rooffala! rooffalas have dark teal fur with an orange beard and a tuft of purple at the crown. they make some very interesting and specific noises (which are difficult to type phonetically), and they feed on avocados that rain down from the even-higher roof. we love them.

working out is fun?: so it has literally been months since i have had a really good workout. erin is always bugging me to go with her but i usually just say no. well, tonight i went and ohhh my goodness it was so great! seriously i forgot how wonderful working out is. i mean, as i'm reading this i'm also wondering if i'm going crazy. but truthfully, when i stepped on that elliptical i was just like "ahhh." and then we did weight machines, which were also good. tomorrow i will be crying because my arms already feel like jelly...but i don't care! and now i will not allow myself to say no to erin again!

a great voice lesson: after a few weeks of rocky lessons and my own crisis of whether i actually know anything about teaching, Alex (my student for my vocal pedagogy class) is finally making some progress! i think i just completely misunderstood him at the beginning. i thought he hated voice lessons and singing, but (with some help from my fantastic pedagogy teacher) i found that his frustration is rooted in the ridiculously high standards he holds himself to. why do we do these things to ourselves? there is a balance between striving for perfection and recognizing our own human-ness. when you realize that you've completely failed, take a minute to "enjoy" that terrible feeling...then pick yourself up, smile, and praise God that He never fails. hmm, there seems to be a lesson for me in this.

anyways. it is ridiculously late, and i still have jelly arms. so g'night, and stay tuned for more info on the rooffalas.

❤

2010-03-21T14:25:00.007-05:00

i adore them. ☞

why must you leave me, spring break? i thought we had something special...

2010-03-20T10:32:00.001-05:00

spring break experiences
my last chorale tour: and my last set of homestays! needless to say, tour was packed with laughter, concerts, exhaustion, and cattiness. but alas, the finality of it all made the tail end of tour a bit more emotional for us seniors. and the best high school choir i have ever heard sang "there will be rest," which we sang our freshman year. ah, throwbacks.
my first bowl of french onion soup: self-professed foodie here. i love flavors and smells, and cooking is one of my relaxation and boredom avoidance techniques :) . however, i have always steered clear of french onion soup because it looks so brown, scary, and full of onions. i was a bit skeptical when hannah's cousin corrie placed the mug in front of me. but the smell of carmelized onions and cheesy goodness was so welcoming... she melted it all together so the bread and cheese was one glob of gooey deliciousness. it was salty, sweet, and altogether delectable. om nom nom.
my first after-wednesday-night-church mcdonald's walk: this past wednesday evening around 9:00 pm, a group of slap-happy young ladies terrorized the streets surrounding Peoria Apostolic Christian Church as they ravaged the area in search of shamrock shakes and french fries. narrowly avoiding a ghetto gang and a posse of pre-teens, the gaggle of girls giggled all the way, no doubt waking the entire neighborhood. they are likely to strike again.
Princess Mononoke: continuing on my anime kick, hannah and i watched our 5th Miyazaki film, princess mononoke, on tour. it was definitely one of my favorites. the story was more mature than his other films, and it had some great themes on the destructiveness of greed and recognizing the beauty and value of nature. a solid 4.5 stars from me.
mini-visits: amanda and i visited erin and oliver on thursday. i couldn't help but think about how lonely it would be to stay home with your baby every day. babies are great and oliver is especially adorable, but they sure don't offer much stimulating conversation. i used to have this notion that i would want to stay home with my first child and never leave them anywhere with anyone...but that's an opinion quickly reformed. after our visit i headed to eli's for some coffee and quiet time, but the weather was so nice that i walked over to Imagine Artists to see taryn and kristi. they were quite busy, and the visit was more awkward than the weather persuaded me to believe it would be...hehe. oh well, i returned to eli's and basked in the sunshine for a good chunk of the afternoon. then friday i visited marla (and girls), which further reformed my opinion. do what you can when you have one kid, because when you have four it is impossible to do anything else! one would think that i would have learned this already, but i am, in fact, a slow learner :) .
a delicious amount of quiet time: this break has given me a great opportunity to draw closer to God and fill my time with Him rather than with whatever strikes my fancy.
spring cleaning!!! well if you know me, you know i'm a bit bipolar when it comes to cleaning...i don't clean often, but when i do, i clean EVERYTHING. case in point: thursday afternoon, around 4:00, i got home from my erin/ia/eli's excursion and started my laundry, which had been strewn about my half of the room. while doing the laundry i noticed how much dust was on my things and on the floor (wood floors are not very forgiving and need to be swept often). so i started to dust off my furniture and then sweep the floor. let's just say my clean-freak frenzy progressed to the point of me taking all of hannah's and my things off the floor, moving all the furniture around, dusting, sweeping, and murphy's-oil-soaping the floor. around 9:30 i sat down to watch ghost adventures with hannah. by 11:00 i was too terrified to go downstairs and finish my laundry, so hannah and i watched a happy episode of naruto and then i drifted to bed around midnight.

ah, spring break. must we part ways so swiftly? you are but a tease. summer is calling me, and i must refrain from answering until my schoolwork has been completed! alas, our love connection has been formed. i will revel in my weekends and hold you in my heart until may :)

doxology

2010-03-16T16:52:00.000-05:00

praise God who has renewed my soul and offered me a cup of satisfaction. i am so thankful for the work He is doing in me and excited to continue in my walk with Him. praise God for giving people the mind and heart to offer help to others who need it. praise Him for His willingness to heal us and have mercy on us. praise God for His unending grace! praise God for His power that conquers sin and self. praise God, from whom all blessings flow.

john 5:1-17
After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, in Aramaic called Bethesda, which has five roofed colonnades. In these lay a multitude of invalids—blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had already been there a long time, he said to him, "Do you want to be healed?" The sick man answered him, "Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, and while I am going another steps down before me." Jesus said to him, "Get up, take up your bed, and walk." And at once the man was healed, and he took up his bed and walked.

Now that day was the Sabbath. So the Jews said to the man who had been healed, "It is the Sabbath, and it is not lawful for you to take up your bed." But he answered them, "The man who healed me, that man said to me, 'Take up your bed, and walk.'" They asked him, "Who is the man who said to you, 'Take up your bed and walk'?" Now the man who had been healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had withdrawn, as there was a crowd in the place. Afterward Jesus found him in the temple and said to him, "See, you are well! Sin no more, that nothing worse may happen to you." The man went away and told the Jews that it was Jesus who had healed him. And this was why the Jews were persecuting Jesus, because he was doing these things on the Sabbath. But Jesus answered them, "My Father is working until now, and I am working."

hooray!

2010-03-09T13:11:00.001-06:00

i finally got my Arden edition of Twelfth Night from Borders!!! now i can really get to work :)

well, i just wanted to share my delight. off to my ibsen, shaw, and chekov class! marlon and i are partnered as krogstad and nora in two scenes from a doll's house. i love the show, and our scenes are pretty amazing. i love how my acting classes are like playtime. but it's still really hard work...you have to put in a lot of work so you have the freedom to play and make cool choices...but anyways i'm going to be late unless i say goodbye NOW! sayonara!